We’re going to go right ahead and skip the relatively long and uninteresting history of college fraternities as they existed and focus on what they have become: Cess Pools of in-group thinking, misogyny, alcohol abuse and academic inferiority. If you don’t believe that this is the current status of college fraternities, I beg you to stop off at any college area grocery store around 9pm on a friday night.
The visage of the current frat boy (we actually prefer “frat dick”) is one of constant inebriation, as evidenced by the shopping carts full of bottom shelf date rape rum and bottom shelf date rape vodka, wedged between cases and cases of warm date rape “Coors Lite”, bulk BBQ meats and the occasional (however unlikelly) box of date rape condoms. Their skin looks as though it is exfoliating the mung, smoke, and date rape off continuously. Perhaps it’s the fact that they elect to shop while wearing flip-flops and the boxer shorts they slept in, but to see a frat dick in this light is to view a cauldron of STDs, encased in a smoke stained bag of flesh.
Now I know you’re probably thinking that this is a cruel, prejudicial and perhaps wholly incorrect portrayal of the modern frat dick.
It’s not.
You see, some of us here at TOPEA actually have been to college, and have completed not just one but multiple degrees at Universities around the country. After having collated some of our shared stories, we came to the conclusion that this is an accurate portrayal of frat dicks the world over. And the best part is, they totally aren’t gay! At least, they don’t think they’re totally gay.
Think about it: Legions of sports friendly young men, working out together, playing together, going to school together, living together. This is the faggiest fagolicious recipe for homosexual behaviour ever. Much like the unspoken gayness of the NFL league, so too must these frats bring in “cheerleaders” to make their exploits “so not gay”.
So not gay
If cheerleaders make the grab-assery of the NFL palatable for the Uber-mensch that love it, sororities play their role in “un-fagging” the frat dicks dungeon lairs of would-be butt sex trains. This is achieved by distracting the frat dick with unbridled inebriation, hot bod “sex pants” and a willingness to suck cock anytime, anywhere.
Basically what all this amounts to is: If you are in a fraternity, you are a fag. A fag that dilutes thyself with dishonesty by entertaining the trysts of these young, insecure, date-rapees. You have no idea what or why you do what you do, because the decision to become a fag was made for you when you “rushed” the frat in the first place. You pay good money to be in a clubhouse full of other gay men, which by itself is fine, but not if it is not advertised as such.
On a positive note: it should be stated that if fraternities would come out of the closet and admit they are recruiting magnets for underground gay orgies, imagine the face lift this would bring! Get some “real” homosexuals in there to tidy up the place, give these frat dicks some much needed fashion advice. A gay man would never let a brother out of the house without several epic blowjobs at least a thorough look in the mirror. Sorority promiscuity might fall to acceptable levels and stem the tide of female douche-baggery plaguing our schools.
On a negative note: we would all really be better off if there was some strain of Super Herpes that wiped out the entire greek system as we know it. Holding out for any other improvement or positive change is a waste of time, time we could have spent giving frat dicks Ruphies and griffining their cars with shoe polish. Fuck them.
If you are a frat dick: fuck you.
