TOP Special Father’s Day Post:Dave’s Dad is the Ayatollah! Shocking Pictures!

Posted in General Faggotry, semen eating with tags , on June 22, 2009 by talonsofpeace

It has recently been discovered in the midst of the Iranian election debacle that Dave’s Dad is actually the Supreme Leader, the Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Purportedly, he has been moonlighting as the Islamic Overlord since 1989.

Dave's Dad/Ayatollah in happier times

Dave's Dad/Ayatollah in happier times

The stress of societal unrest, the nagging questions about his divine right to rule and his new sugar-free diet have taken their their toll on the Overlord.

Dave's Dad when questioned about moonlighting as Ayatollah

Dave's Dad when questioned about moonlighting as Ayatollah

Dave's Dad/Ayatollah (far left) embedded in the happy "Rainbow of Race" of American Society

Dave's Dad/Ayatollah (far left) embedded in the happy "Rainbow of Race" of American Society

Dave's Dad/Ayatollah playing his favorite game, "Caddyshack: whack-a-gopher"

Dave's Dad/Ayatollah playing his favorite game, "Caddyshack: whack-a-gopher"

When push came to shove and the incendiary Prime Minister and naughty H-caust denier, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad was re-elected, retribution against the naggers was swift and severe.

What happens when you cross Dave's Dad/Ayatollah

What happens when you cross Dave's Dad/Ayatollah

The Ayatollah has been criticized in recent weeks for being too draconian in his handling of his country’s political crisis. Everyone knows pomegranate sandwiches are sacrilege in Iran; however, an even more well known fact is that the Ayatollah leads by making examples. In a press conference yesterday, one reporter (who was subsequently led away in chains) asked if Khamenei wished to be remembered as a Mandela or a Hammurabi. The Ayatollah responded by quoting from his favorite movie, Batman, the Tim Burton version: “You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs.”

They’re Watching You

Posted in Hall and Oates with tags , on June 21, 2009 by talonsofpeace

Deep Thoughts

Posted in jim crow with tags on June 19, 2009 by talonsofpeace

Niagara Falls

Niagra Falls

 

Nagger Falls

You Got Cancer!

Posted in General Faggotry, Rape, humor with tags , , , , on June 9, 2009 by talonsofpeace

Welcome to the latest installment of You Got Cancer!
You Got Cancer! explains why you already have/will soon get cancer.

Lets spin the Wheel O’ Cancer—-
cancer2008
Congratulations! You landed on nut cancer!
Nut Cancer looks like this-
Pyometra_annotated

The reason you have nut cancer is that you smoked marijuana from the ages of 15 to 23-
Just check out this article from the New England Journal O’ Medicine
MONDAY, Feb. 9 (HealthDay News) — Smoking marijuana over an extended period of time appears to greatly boost a young man’s risk for developing a particularly aggressive form of testicular cancer, a new study reveals.

In fact, researchers found that men who smoked marijuana once a week or began to use the substance on a long-term basis while adolescents incurred double the risk for developing the fastest-spreading version of testicular cancer — nonseminoma, which accounts for about 40 percent of all cases.

So hippies-
meatismurder
Have a great time protesting prop 8 and the state of Israel while you are critically nauseous from the chemo- I guess you could always medicate the INCREDIBLE HELLACIOUS AGONY by smoking pot
I mean its not like you’ll get nut cancer, AGAIN

Next week, why you are going to end up blowing this guy-
cancer2.55150119_std

Dammit! Rule 34′d!

Posted in humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2009 by talonsofpeace

Hey folks, Hymen here.
I’m feeling a little dejected today because I think I’ve finally reached the end of the internet. That’s right, that place we’ve dreamt of, the final bus stop before the great beyond. And it’s completely loaded with the most disgusting porn available to the world.

Faithful readers, you and I enjoy the taste of semen. This much has been established, yet there comes a point when even my own sexual preferences get side lined. How is it that I can drink my semen, or the semen of others, in such a fucked up world? In a world where men masturbate on american cheese, or shove implements into their urethras?
Upon reaching the end of the internet, and seeing what is out there, I feel my cock sag. There is evidence of such perversion that I see the point leading a completely celibate life. And then I met this chick(s):

Look! I give heads!

Look! I give heads!

Two headed chick? Rule 34′d. And anything else you semen eating people wanna see? It’s out there. Believe me. I have seen it, and if I didn’t fap to it, I bet I forwarded it to a semen eater who could.

I guess my dejection is born from the frustrating realization that my kinks (our kinks, amirite?) really isn’t that adventurous. Any thoughts or advice on this would be appreciated.

Up Next: Semen Mixology! I’ve been tampering with some great semen recipes! (Some with booze in it too!)

SEMEN RECYCLING!

Posted in humor on May 6, 2009 by talonsofpeace


Attention Fellow Semen Eaters: Watch this Informative Movie!

Posted in humor with tags , , , , , on May 1, 2009 by talonsofpeace

Fuck yeah!

Great White Sharks Seek Semen!

Posted in humor with tags , , , , , on April 16, 2009 by talonsofpeace

“The big shark followed. No one asked what kind of shark it was; there was no question. Everything about it, from its size to its color to its shape to the cold ineluctability of its assault, broadcast its identity: Great White Shark.”
The great white shark, commonly known as the most dangerous predator to lurk the seas, has been given names and symbols that superficially anthropomorphize its existence on earth. To most scientists and field researchers, great white sharks are mystical and fascinating creatures that are important parts of the eco-system. But to the average human, sharks are demonized into vicious monsters. The reasons for the demonization of the great whites are humans’ superficial anthropomorphism attitudes that sharks choose to eat humans as their prey. These beliefs are enforced by the media and society seeking to over-spectacularize the species. The fear that the media forces upon humans to feel about sharks has been transformed into fascination and obsession with the animals. Hunters are now encouraged to kill the great whites to support the widely popular shark-fin industry in Asia as well as to report back to the American beaches that they will be free from shark attacks. While great white sharks have an evil reputation that has lead to over-hunting and a spot on the endangered species list, scientists now have a goal to undo the superficial anthropomorphism that human beings have created in order to save the species.
People often superficially anthropomorphize animals, inclined to interpret an animal’s behavior or temperament on the basis of surface qualities that are unrelated to those that actually regulate it. Humans most commonly have given sharks a negative meaning because of their daunting physical features and the unlikely event when they attack humans. Through movies such as “Jaws” and “Deep Blue Sea,” people automatically assume that the great white sharks seek that of human flesh, and only human flesh, but the reality is much more horrifying.
Recent studies conducted off the coast of South Africa have shown that the great white sharks are equipped with special olfactory nodes that can detect seminal fluid in marine life several miles away. The immediate findings shatter the current perception of great white sharks’ predation.
“For decades the assumption has been that great whites seek the source of blood in the water and take advantage of wounded prey. We’ve determined that the shark’s main olfactory impetus is to seek out semen, be it of a whale, human, or otherwise” says field researcher Levi Jacobs.
News of this discovery is still rocking the world of Marine Biology, but researchers are quick to calm controversy. “As shocking as it sounds, the fact that great whites rely on semen as a dietary staple does not drastically alter or even discard previous research. They’re still very lethal, even if it’s your groin they’re biting.”

Great white shark attacking a bag of seminal fluid

Great white shark attacking a bag of seminal fluid

Any Idea WTF this is?

Posted in fail, humor on April 6, 2009 by talonsofpeace

WTF?
Does anyone know WTF this is? We are looking for answers. Cancel that! 

Please submit your funniest caption to the above image in our comments section. We will attach the Winner’s caption in next week’s “WTF”. You can submit multiple caption ideas because we are so much better, edgier and sexier than NEWSWEEK.

-Hymen

A Note Regarding College Fraternities

Posted in fail, humor with tags , , , , , , , on March 26, 2009 by talonsofpeace

We’re going to go right ahead and skip the relatively long and uninteresting history of college fraternities as they existed and focus on what they have become: Cess Pools of in-group thinking, misogyny, alcohol abuse and academic inferiority. If you don’t believe that this is the current status of college fraternities, I beg you to stop off at any college area grocery store around 9pm on a friday night.

The visage of the current frat boy (we actually prefer “frat dick”) is one of constant inebriation, as evidenced by the shopping carts full of bottom shelf date rape rum and bottom shelf date rape vodka, wedged between cases and cases of warm date rape “Coors Lite”, bulk BBQ meats and the occasional (however unlikelly) box of date rape condoms. Their skin looks as though it is exfoliating the mung, smoke, and date rape off continuously. Perhaps it’s the fact that they elect to shop while wearing flip-flops and the boxer shorts they slept in, but to see a frat dick in this light is to view a cauldron of STDs, encased in a smoke stained bag of flesh.

Now I know you’re probably thinking that this is a cruel, prejudicial and perhaps wholly incorrect portrayal of the modern frat dick.

It’s not.

You see, some of us here at TOPEA actually have been to college, and have completed not just one but multiple degrees at Universities around the country. After having collated some of our shared stories, we came to the conclusion that this is an accurate portrayal of frat dicks the world over. And the best part is, they totally aren’t gay! At least, they don’t think they’re totally gay.

Think about it: Legions of sports friendly young men, working out together, playing together, going to school together, living together. This is the faggiest fagolicious recipe for homosexual behaviour ever. Much like the unspoken gayness of the NFL league, so too must these frats bring in “cheerleaders” to make their exploits “so not gay”.

So not gay

So not gay

If cheerleaders make the grab-assery of the NFL palatable for the Uber-mensch that love it, sororities play their role in “un-fagging” the frat dicks dungeon lairs of would-be butt sex trains. This is achieved by distracting the frat dick with unbridled inebriation, hot bod “sex pants” and a willingness to suck cock anytime, anywhere.
Sorority whores displaying "honest" signals

Basically what all this amounts to is: If you are in a fraternity, you are a fag. A fag that dilutes thyself with dishonesty by entertaining the trysts of these young, insecure, date-rapees. You have no idea what or why you do what you do, because the decision to become a fag was made for you when you “rushed” the frat in the first place. You pay good money to be in a clubhouse full of other gay men, which by itself is fine, but not if it is not advertised as such.

On a positive note: it should be stated that if fraternities would come out of the closet and admit they are recruiting magnets for underground gay orgies, imagine the face lift this would bring! Get some “real” homosexuals in there to tidy up the place, give these frat dicks some much needed fashion advice. A gay man would never let a brother out of the house without several epic blowjobs at least a thorough look in the mirror. Sorority promiscuity might fall to acceptable levels and stem the tide of female douche-baggery plaguing our schools. 

On a negative note: we would all really be better off if there was some strain of Super Herpes that wiped out the entire greek system as we know it. Holding out for any other improvement or positive change is a waste of time, time we could have spent giving frat dicks Ruphies and griffining their cars with shoe polish. Fuck them. 

If you are a frat dick: fuck you.